I am proud to have 2+ years of sobriety under my belt, though for many years it felt unattainable. I felt as though I was stuck on a never-ending loop, a ride I didn’t want to be on. I was in a prison cell that had no key….
I’ll keep my alcoholic origin story short and sweet….
Once upon a time, I got drunk at 17. I was instantly enamored with this arcane substance…. Not only did I suddenly have the confidence to talk to my peers, I had a quiet mind. Maybe it wasn’t quiet…but I no longer seemed to care what it had to say, and that felt like freedom. This was a game changer for 17-year-old me who was anxious and socially awkward. I had officially cracked the code.
I didn’t drink underage often, but I continued enjoying alcohol into my early twenties. However, I started to notice a trend when I turned 23…. I was no longer just drinking for “fun”, I was often-times using alcohol to cope. Around this time, I started working at a wine bar where drinking copious amounts of wine came with the territory. There would be days I didn’t even want to drink, but it was such an ingrained pattern that I didn’t know what else to do and would drink out of compulsion. On top of that, I craved the feelings of relief that accompanied a finished glass (or 4 glasses) of wine. I had an inkling that this was a problem and I started to feel insecure about my drinking habits.
I’m sad to say I spent my early twenties numb and lost many days to hangovers. I knew something was wrong…but I didn’t know how to begin fixing it. Every drink I picked up would come with a whispered inner voice saying “This will catch up to you eventually” but the alcohol made quick work of shutting that voice up and I was in my happy haze once again. Only to be thrust out of it, come 3:00 am when my nervous system hit peak overwhelm from the amount of detoxing I was forcing my body to perform yet again.
Not to be too dramatic…but this felt like an infinity loop of hell. Something had to change.
I ended up quitting the bar job and started working in an office. I was able to decrease my drinking because it was no longer an expected part of my job…but come the weekend I was back at it. I would sometimes drink on weeknights but going to work hungover left me with an all-day feeling of impending doom. There were a few times I even had to call off due to a bad hangover. The guilt I would feel for calling off was worse than the hangover itself…. much like alcohol, guilt is a type of poison and it took me a long time to realize that I could never guilt or shame myself into sobriety.
I continued this trend up until I turned 30.
I would drink regret
swear off all alcohol
repeat. I had calculated and perfected how to get and stay in the “buzzed zone”. I felt like a slave to alcohol. I would try my best to drink in “moderation” but after one drink a different Diana would take over (Jekyll & Hyde style) and she had never heard of moderation. I would wake up feeling used and abused but come 5pm I would start the process all over again. But something was changing…. I wasn’t enjoying drinking very much at all anymore.
Sooooooooooo all that to say…I decided to officially quit (but for real this time). The date was June 15, 2023 and I have been raw-dogging life ever since. And I’m not going to lie…it’s incredible!